What is it like to have peaceful parents

Raising children without screaming or scolding : Parents should turn off the alarm mode

The most important and easiest reason not to scold a child is: it doesn't work. All studies indicate that scolding, screaming or even punishing don't work. None of this can stop children from doing prohibited things.

If we want to teach our children social rules, we have to do it differently. An upbringing with pressure, punishment and control is what many people experienced themselves in their childhood. Authoritarian upbringing has been shown to generate people who are overwhelmed by the challenges of our time.

We need people who think flexibly, face challenges, can work with others on an equal footing and for whom care, solidarity and community are important values. Not scolding a child can change the world.

Scolding a child has a clear advantage: It happens quickly, if we scold hard enough, there is immediate calm and we have it done. But it also has a lot of drawbacks. Scolding only brings us relief for a very short time. It doesn't make the argument or negative behavior go away.

Children have a right to say "I don't want this"

Rather, we educate children to lie for fear of punishment. We teach them to discipline smaller people and thus cement the right of the fittest. If we scold the children very loudly, very violently, or hurtfully, we achieve an effect similar to that if we disciplined them physically - with all the negative consequences.

You don't need to read an academic paper on the effects of harsh verbal reprimand to feel bad after a tirade. We feel uncomfortable when we scream, we are ashamed when we see our children cry.

Our children tip over the Lego box in anger and vehemently refuse to put it back? Are you pulling your siblings' hair and not wanting to apologize? Do you refuse fresh underwear, hair combing or hand washing (not to mention brushing your teeth)?

You know what? It does not matter! We don't have to fix this right away, we don't have to take action right away, and we don't have to assert ourselves right away. If it doesn't work out right now, then neither we have failed nor the children.

The children are neither spoiled nor impossible, and we don't have to worry either. The children have many years to learn everything. So we can pour ourselves a cup of tea in peace and wait to see what happens.

We can go out together again in a quiet moment and dispose of the Lego, we can talk later about how it came to hair pulling, and yes, we can let the child go to bed tonight with black soles and homework not done. Tomorrow, when everyone is fresh and calm again, we can come back to that.

Since we parents are so often in "alert mode", many behaviors of children appear to us as threats that we must now contain immediately. It helps to realize that the children are not “off” when they are not “working”. You also have to give counter pressure from time to time and see that the adults remain calm even then. You have a right to say, "I don't want this."

Three rules that will help you not to scold

Let's start with three simple rules that can help us not to scold us in everyday life, even when we are about to lose our temper.

Rule number 1: stay calm. This is the only way you can see what is really going on. As soon as you get excited, your field of vision narrows, your mind is no longer working properly, you can no longer look at the situation with the necessary distance. Furthermore, we cannot co-regulate someone towards calm unless we are calm ourselves. We all have to learn that the situation may be annoying, but it is usually not the end of the world.

Rule number 2: stay in touch. You have to learn empathy - and children learn it from their parents. So we reflect the child's situation: "Yes, that feels ..., yes, I know that too, I can imagine ... that is really stupid now." And we sympathize with our child. It's also annoying when you can't decide everything yourself.

Rule number 3: Offer your child alternatives instead of reprimand, reparation instead of punishment, concrete instructions instead of shame. "Then please just sweep the stairs and next time make sure that you clean your shoes in front of the front door."

These are the alternatives to "You will never help me ..."

Remember, in spite of everything, children don't have buttons. Our children may not immediately take over our new great offers, no matter how educationally sensible we convey them to them. But we know from studies that children whose parents exemplify peaceful conflict resolution later even adopt these mechanisms in their dealings with their peers. It is a long way to go before you are completely independent. But it is worthwhile to have the necessary patience.

"I've already told you a thousand times ...!" - If we insist on rules in this tone, we shouldn't be surprised if the children instantly switch to draft. What can we do instead?

[The text is taken from “Education without scolding. Everyday strategies for a species-appropriate upbringing ”(176 pages, 16.99 euros, GU Verlag). The author offers parenting courses and trains parenting coaches.]

Here are a few ideas: Instead of complaining “You will never help me…”, we say what would really help us: “If you put four plates and four glasses on the table now, we can eat a little earlier, that would be a big one for me Help. ”Instead of shouting:“ Don't make a mess! ”, We say what we want and what not:“ I want you to eat over your plate so that the sauce doesn't drip onto your pants. ”Instead of stating:“ You Now put your pants on and that's it! "We give the child a choice:" You can't go out on the street without pants. Which do you want, the blue or the red? "

The most important basic rule is: Parents should always give their children personal information instead of general rules, ie: "It's too loud for me" instead of "That's not how you shout". Our children will listen to us much better if there is a real person behind the need, who makes a wish, than an abstract set of rules.

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