What makes marriage boring

Dear Meredith

Pleasure - reluctance, amusement - boredom, there would be other pairings in the relationship about which either woman or man complain, depending on the nature and character. I would be happy to give you a few food for thought.

The most important thing is that you quickly move on to shaping your life in such a way that it makes you happy. It is not your husband who makes you happy in the first place, but you yourself and your own way of life. Meet your friends, your family again, get active and do something. If your husband wants to come with you - that's fine too. If not, leave him at home. Let him go. Only then does he have to organize himself, develop ideas and take responsibility for himself. Responsibility for others can only grow out of responsibility for oneself. There is a bestseller by Eva Maria Zurhorst, which is also very readable. It's called: LOVE YOURSELF, AND IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO YOU MARRY.

You don't write anything about your husband's family background. But you are both very young and married very young. It may well be that your husband has not yet grown up emotionally. Unfortunately, I see this quite often today and is often the result of years of being guarded and not really being challenged. This fact, coupled with a more pragmatic character, can make a fun-loving person like you bored at some point.

At the moment you can no longer see what attracted you to your husband. But there was something, otherwise you probably wouldn't have married him. Often it is precisely what we ourselves do not own or cannot do so well. But over time, this is exactly what annoys us about the other, which initially fascinated us. You probably found his calm, his pragmatic way of "grounding" you, lovable. Try to find that again by letting him be who he is. Sex therapist David Schnarch calls it "differentiation". Dividing yourself apart, becoming independent, having a life of your own, gaining distance - and thus being able to see yourself better again and ultimately desire again, not just sexually.

In many relationships, the drive for activity is unevenly distributed. One organizes - the other likes to participate. Both are happy with their role - at least at the beginning. But at some point the active partner finds that the other could make an effort now and stops getting involved. But the other cannot do exactly that. Because it doesn't suit him, because he hasn't learned it. Because he was actually satisfied, as was. The more pressure you exert, the more lethargic your husband will likely become. Now you can decide whether you want to put your energy into changing your partner or into a lifestyle that you like.

If you want to have a conversation with him, have a chat with him, even if he doesn't contribute much. If you want closeness and tenderness, go up to him and give it to him, then you will benefit from it too. Show him D.ein Desire, maybe that triggers desire in him too. Take care of your pleasure and show him what arouses you. Become a good lover in the sense that you get to know yourself and your body well. If you find sex unsatisfactory, become more concerned with how it goes with your body. Book tip: COME AS YOU WANT.

Tutor your man in sex, learn him to be a good lover. State your needs clearly (see book LIEBESLUST, arguing and loving according to all the rules). And arrange to have sex.

Marriage is hard work especially when we rebel against the reality of life and can no longer take the other person as he is. In all conflicts in a marriage, the following always applies: I can change myself - the other cannot. Therefore I wish you new joy in yourself and acceptance and mercy towards your husband. And that you rediscover your love for him and with it his lovable sides.

In addition to all these thoughts, I would like to recommend professional couples counseling to you. Without going into dramatization right away - I've seen too many couples who could have been helped to master their challenges with little effort, had they come to a counseling early enough. I would recommend systemic counseling, in which you can also take a detailed look at your family systems of origin and learn to talk to each other constructively.

Encouraging warm greetings - Veronika