How do I learn assertive communication

Assertive Communication 15 Effective Techniques (with Examples)

The assertive communication it is the ability to respect and be respected by others based on verbal, nonverbal language and attitude.

A clear definition is: "Express your opinions, tastes, wishes or claim your rights while respecting the rights of others."

Developing assertive communication is important as you will see positive effects on your physical and emotional health. Some examples of its benefits are:

  • You will reduce stress.
  • You improve your social and personal skills.
  • You will control impulses or, better yet, rage.
  • Improve your self-esteem
  • You understand your feelings better.
  • You respect yourself and you deserve the respect of others.
  • They create win-win situations.
  • Improve your decision-making skills.
  • You gain personal and professional satisfaction.

Because assertiveness is based on mutual respect, it is an effective communication style for relating to the people around you.

When you are confident, you show respect for yourself because you are able to defend your own interests and express your feelings and thoughts.

On the other hand, it also shows that you are aware of the rights of others and are ready to resolve conflicts.

It is not just what you say that matters, but also, or more, how you say it. Assertive communication gives you the ability to send a message clearly and respectfully.

Communicating too passively or aggressively can cause your message to be lost or ignored by others.

Therefore, learn communication techniques that allow you to respect yourself in order to achieve your goals and be comfortable.

How are confident people?

When you feel confident, you have the following characteristics:

  • You feel free to express your thoughts, desires, and feelings.
  • You can initiate and maintain pleasurable relationships with people.
  • You know your rights.
  • You are in control of your impulses and your anger. It doesn't mean that you are suppressing your emotions, but you can control and express them.
  • You can make arrangements with other people.
  • They take into account your needs and those of others.

Communication styles

The Communication styles can be divided into:

Aggressive communication

It is a style that does not respect the other person's rights and uses verbal and non-verbal violent language.

Features of this style are: challenging looks, destructive criticism, tone of voice too loud, violent gestures, raising your hands too much, pointing the finger ...

Passive communication

It's a style where the rights of yourself are not respected and the goal is to please others. Its characteristics are: look down, do not give a personal opinion, do something against your own will, always say yes, etc. It can lead to stress, resentment, victimization or revenge.

Assertive communication

It's a style in which we respect the other person's rights while being aware of ourselves.

Learn assertive communication

1-Evaluate your style

It is important that you understand the type of communication you are having before you start changing it.

Are you defending your rights? Do you say yes even though you don't have time? Are you quick to blame others?

If you have an aggressive style, you'll know you need to be nicer to talk and hear more. If it is passive, you need to re-affirm and share your opinion.

2-Use sentences with "me"

Use ā€œIā€ sentences to indicate your opinions, wishes, and rights.

Plus, you'll let others know what you're thinking without sounding like you're accusing, "I disagree" instead of "you're wrong".

3 - learn to listen

Being a good communicator involves knowing how to listen well and being a good listener also involves being open to the person's message.

Maintain eye contact, listen with interest, and control your own emotions and thoughts to avoid reactions, defenses, explanations, or interruptions.

This doesn't mean that you agree with what the other person is saying, but that you know what the other person is saying.

Example: When you are talking to someone, wait until you have finished your sentences before answering.

4 - Look for agreements

It's a skill related to negotiation. It's about reaching win-win agreements and avoiding extreme positions where only someone wins or loses.

For example: make an arrangement with your partner to clean the kitchen while he / she cleans the bathroom.

5-Identify your needs and try to meet them

  • Don't expect someone to realize what you need, you can wait forever.
  • Understand that in order to achieve your full potential, you must meet your needs.
  • Find a way to meet your needs without sacrificing those of others.

6 votes against. Learn to say no

If someone insists that you do something you don't want to do (which is common, for example with salespeople), you can say "no" straight away without feeling guilty, making excuses, or explanations.

Example: No thanks, I don't need this product. Thank you for your time. Goodbye

7-Use non-verbal language

Communication is not just verbal. In fact, there is an agreement that more than 80% of communication is non-verbal.

Maintain eye contact (without staring) in a straight position, use your hands, and speak clearly.

Check out this article for more guidance on nonverbal language.

8 - control emotions

While it is positive to be able to express your feelings with certainty, in certain situations it is appropriate to control emotions such as anger.

For example, when you are very angry, it is not convenient to have a discussion with your partner or to go to a meeting. In that case, you might say things that you regret.

Work on controlling your emotions and stay calm to communicate effectively without your emotions controlling you.

9-scratch lens

It's about repeating a "no" or no + phrase after a request from the other person or when they are trying to manipulate you. Try to be calm and avoid using the same words.

Example: As I said, I don't need your product / service. Thank you and goodbye.

10-face criticism

It is based on being constructively confronted with criticism. You can do this by asking for details about the review (how, what, who) and information.

This way you can know exactly what the interlocutor is trying to convey. It is convenient that you show yourself partially according to the criticism, if it is true or can be true, respect the other person and say thank you.

On the other hand, a review started by someone with different criteria than someone without sufficient information is not the same.

Example: Thank you for your feedback, I'll keep an eye on it to improve on these aspects.

11 - Accept your emotions

One of the barriers to confident communication is believing that emotions, like anger, are evil.

However, anger is a normal emotion and you are not bad at feeling it.

Of course, it's one thing to feel it and another to express it with personal attack, insults, or vengeance.

The assertive person accepts, controls, and expresses their emotions in relation to themselves and the other person.

12-Confirm or ask clearly

Aggressive or passive people tend to communicate what bothers them by making detours. They also make inquiries by turning around.

At the same time, they can use affirmations or requests to attack or questions with personal attacks.

For example: "After spending 10 hours with your friends, can you pick me up?" Or "because you care so much about taking care of yourself, can we spend more time together?"

Be clear about what you want if something bothers you, say it confidently, and avoid personal attacks that are undercover or sarcastic.

13-Request changes in behavior towards another person

In this case, a number of problems can arise, such as: a) accusing the other of having problems that make the conflict worse, b) accusing the other of always showing what we want to change, c) believing that he is malicious does and d) only expresses negative consequences.

To get it right, you need to: approach the problem, describe the behavior you want to change, state the consequences of the behavior change, express how you feel about the problem, in the end ask about the behavior change in a clear and straightforward manner .

Example: Ana, tobacco smoke is annoying, it affects me and I don't breathe well. Can you smoke outside


It's about feeling open to others about you and having trust.

It is based on telling the other person what you like about them: "I like your clothes", "Congratulations on the approved exam". Keep a nice face pose and smile.

15 fog bank

It is used to avoid direct conflict when a person is speaking to you aggressively or posting an offensive comment. It relies on unexpected responses to stop aggressive behavior.

Example: How can it be that you are still single? You should be looking for a friend now. Answer: You are right, I had too many applicants and it was difficult for me to decide.

Here is a video recap using these techniques:


To be assertive, you have to strike a balance between aggressive and passive communication.

It means having a sense of self, realizing and being able to communicate that you deserve what you want and need. It also means defending yourself in complicated situations.

It can be learned, although it does not happen overnight and requires practice. The techniques I showed you will help you with this.

As you improve self-directed communication, your quality of life generally improves.

And you What kind of communication do you have?

You can see examples of each style in this video.

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