Should I have sex while I'm in ecstasy

The sexual misery of men

Let's call him Nils had just spent half an hour with me in a Berlin puff room. Whatever happened there, I know I forgot because it was so common. It continues unobtrusively.

I peek in the hallway to prevent Nils from colliding with another man. Then I wave him after me and lead him to the door. "Have a nice day, see you soon," I say and give him a short hug. Nils starts to smile. He probably wants to say something friendly and say goodbye. But suddenly something happens inside him, he shakes his head at himself and says softly:

"Man, we all leave here even more frustrated than we came here."

He throws on a scarf, forgets to say goodbye, and pushes his way out the door. I want to rush after him immediately, grab him by the collar and drag him back to our room. I want to tie Nils to the bedpost and squeeze the truth out of his body. "Please what did you say? How do you get away from here? " I wasn't offended, I was thrilled.

So Nils was frustrated, and after the brothel it was worse than before. And if that was the case with him, how was it with Martin, Kim and Konstantin? I closed my eyes, felt and breathed, waited until I noticed something that Nils might have meant. I couldn't ask him myself, I never saw him again. I felt whether the suitors looked sad or were playing something to me. But they didn't pretend to me. They were genuinely delighted, they were happy, and had thought of me many times since we last met.

Men do not enjoy their sexuality

And then I realized that it wasn't the frustration I had to look for, it was the norm. I didn't have to notice the conspicuous, but the ordinary. I lifted my nose into the weather and followed the moments that came up to me. At some point I became inconsiderate and tried every opportunity to listen to the men about their misfortune. “Nice to meet you”, “What's your name?” “And what are you looking for here?” I asked, with the customary right of a hetaera to involve the man in high-level philosophy without warning.

But mostly Klaus just pulled his glasses close to him and sat up while he said: “Why, I'm not looking at all. I just come here now and then. " Too tired to think about my question for a moment. Then he pushed his bare legs over the edge of the bed, back into his shoes for the business lunch at the Hilton.

I, in turn, thought even more. Is that correct? Are the men not looking for anything here because they have already found everything? Is a Paula really what they want for an expensive half hour? Or is it just the best they hope to find?

I was luckier a few times. Half out of openness, half by mistake, I managed to push the veil aside and catch an intimate glimpse of the men's experience. When I asked Achim about his masturbation, he threw his hands in the air and said: "What should you do - you jerk off, and half an hour later the urge is back." The men did not seem to enjoy their sexuality as a triumph, least of all as an assertion to the woman, but rather as an internal submission.

I began to understand that beneath this apparently one-dimensional trace of men's sexuality was a much more complex web of searches and longings, of shame and lust, of questions and hope. Ironically, in a Nobel puff in Berlin, my image of a male sexuality that is “simply knitted” and easy to satisfy was shattered. Ironically, “meaningless fucking” gave me an idea of ​​the depth, the longing, sadness and frustration in male sexuality.

It is fundamentally assumed that men not only enjoy sex, but also enjoy it. Why actually? We can make the answer to this question easy for ourselves and answer: Because men say they want sex. Because, if they're honest, they think about sex all the time, because they hardly know how not to think about sex when they order a latte macchiato from a waitress or watch a woman peel and bite a banana. In addition, we can point out that Nils and Konrad and Joachim have erections, that they say “You make me so horny” during sex, and that they ejaculated five minutes later out of sheer enthusiasm.

So I'm not saying men don't experience anything during sex. On the contrary: Many would describe their sex life as good. But how good is good? In other words, what do we know about what is possible in sex? How high are our highlights? What do we know about what we don't know? And what do we not know about what we do not know?

If we allow this open space - if we admit for a moment that sex, that strange thing that gave birth to us, is maybe bigger than our horizon, then we can ask the questions we have all over again and be less greedy for the answer, less serene in our opinions. Then we can ask again: Is it true that men get along just fine with sex? Is it true that men just love sex?

The difference between drive discharge and ecstasy

Markus is naked and sits on the bed, Paula sits discreetly next to him, puts a hand on his knee. Both are silent. Paula and Markus turn to each other, Markus secretly presses his lips into Paula's neck, then Paula's hand lies on Markus' cock and moves him, touching the testicles and legs, and Markus holds his breath a little until he gets an erection then he's relieved.

Paula pulls the condom over his cock and puts the cock in her mouth, and Markus lies back. He realizes that he needs to do little, and he also realizes that he should do little. He will simply be led through it all. Paula looks at him, but her gaze is difficult to assess as she slides his cock into her vagina, and Markus ’gaze also fluctuates, between the ceiling and Paula's body, between moments, fantasies and blackouts.

Finally, Markus touches Paula's shoulder, and like in an ancient team, Paula interrupts the movement, turns around and lifts her pelvis. Markus just remains silent, he sits up, moves behind Paula and pushes his cock back into her vagina. He holds her by the hips. Paula groans and Paula waits.

And then? Markus ejaculates. Paula continues to wait. Markus loosens his hand from her skin, sits on his heels, reaches for the handkerchiefs himself, pulls the condom off his tail and wraps it up. Then he looks at Paula and smiles sheepishly. His face is flushed, his skin is shiny. Paula smiles too. Now we know that Paula's smile is not always believable. She would probably smile anyway.

But what about Markus? If we take the effort to look closer for a moment, that question will transform everything. We would begin to understand that there is a fundamental distinction to be made between sexual function and sexual ecstasy. Ejaculations are functions, erections are physiological processes that also take place during sleep - that is to say: we do not have to be aware of them. We can then speak of a man whose penis functions for reproductive purposes. But what does it experience? What is he feeling

Men do not consider themselves desirable

In all of my time in the brothel, I haven't seen a single erotic gesture between a man and his penis. Every touch and movement was alien to itself, was purely functional. The men touched their own bodies not to feel themselves, but to be aroused. They didn't want to come into contact with themselves, they didn't want to experience themselves, they wanted to function. Yes, many women feel humiliated by male sexuality - but men feel much the same with themselves.

How suspicious the man is to the man is also shown by homophobia, which - more or less clearly - can turn friendship between men into rough companionship. This is a pity. And it is so important that this is a shame because the men who pay for sex are always complained about the image of women - but what about the self-image of men?

If it is said that men should get a different image of women by forbidding them to pay for sex, this thought falls short. And if we think that the sexual problem between the sexes is that women simply do not want men as much as the other way around, then we are overlooking a crucial point: men do not consider themselves desirable, they feel sexually worthless. So if we want men to have a different image of women, then we have to enable them to have a different self-image.

This is exactly what becomes possible when we switch from “drive removal” and sexual “functioning” to the level of our experience, where a Nils or Markus can say that he is happy or frustrated or angry - that is, when we move below the level on which male sexuality “works”. There we can ask male sexuality again: “How do you feel? I mean how are you doing with you If you leave Paula and Nathalie and Jackie aside - what do you experience? "

We know the question of how to bring women to orgasm inside and out. You can hardly open a men's or women's magazine without getting answers. Without going into the quality of this advice here, I would like to add the question of how men can orgasm. From a pouf, right next to the pedal bins from which sperm-soaked kitchen rolls are pouring, with the sound of tireless washing machines in the background, this question may sound strange, if not to say unnecessary. But cumshot isn't an orgasm, it's ejaculation. Ejaculations are physical, orgasms are experience. If we want to speak of what most consider to be evidence of male climax, we should speak of ejaculations as a precaution.

The blanket silence of men during sex

As far as I've seen, almost all men can ejaculate during sex. But what does that mean - what is gained from it? I have ejaculated hundreds of times, but very rarely have orgasms. That means: I have brought relief to countless men, but hardly ever given ecstasy. A single man (in words: one) screamed out loud with pleasure during orgasm, and I had to grin that no more furtive moans could be heard in the other rooms, but a real person with a real voice.

As soon as I had left the room, however, the housekeeper rushed to me: “My God, Paula, are you okay? Did you stab him? " Male pleasure - audible, celebrated, extended male pleasure appears just as rarely in the brothel as anywhere else. Pay attention to it in porn. Or in any Hollywood movie. Which director dares to show a loudly moaning man? Sex scenes in the cinema are drowned in silence or in the sighing of women. If we catch a clear look for a moment in the fog of horniness, then we see that horniness itself does not mean that a person is happy or ecstatic.

So how about men and their sexual ecstasy? Guesswork, even in the brothel. Men did not even behave clearly there towards sex, but fundamentally tense. As if they knew of a lurking ambivalence that lies within them, a deep, sad distrust of their own lust.

I remember a situation in our lounge. We were bored and somehow the conversation turned to the fact that we were going to tell each other our tricks. A colleague of mine, Verena, announced: “Do you know that even if you don't know whether the guy has already come or not? And you somehow get caught in the middle of what you should do now, also because of the time and so? "

We nodded. Verena continued: “Well, I now know when a guy has come. And I'm never wrong: my shoulders relax. I suddenly become soft. That's how I know. "

When I think today that we cannot determine the climax of our sex partners in any other way than in an intuitive inner relaxation, then that seems absurd to me. And yet I remember how normal it was to have to approach the male experience in this way (assuming we couldn't see the condom at the moment).

For me, this memory stands for the blanket silence of men during sex. They do not learn or allow themselves to make free notes during sex (as if moaning with pleasure is only for women) and they are silent instead of talking. Happy exceptions, after all, and an addition to our relaxed shoulders are the sentences: “You make me so horny” and “I'll be right away”.

The brothel is not good for men

So could it be that not only the vagina and female sexuality have become deaf and dumb, but also the male? I think so. And I would go further: if we want to speak of a “frigid”, an unorgasmic sexuality, it is not the female, but the male. She can ejaculate, but she is poor in ecstasy, even poorer than the female. Much more often it was pauses that neither Paula nor Paolo had expected, small moments, short gaps in which sudden sentences appeared. Confessions. Secrets. Essential.

"Do you believe in God?"

“I don't know if there is God. But when I look at you like that - your body is proof of divinity. "

That followed me, and then it happened again. One suitor listed: “I find your breasts so erotic. And your legs. And your shoulders, that's such a nice area for you. " And suddenly he kept talking: “And your neck and your arms. I like your feet Actually everything about you is erotic, but you can't say it like that, it doesn't apply, it's more than that ... "

I held my breath. I cocked my head and looked at him furtively. Did he notice? But he was about to get dressed again and put his watch back on his wrist. So I understood two things: The relationship of men to sex, to eroticism, to bodies and skin is gifted to be powerful and poetic, full of awe and care, full of tenderness and pride. And I learned: the men themselves no longer know that. Yes, they misunderstand and overlook themselves sexually just as much as they fail to see their wife. I believe that this learned lack of sexual experience is a key moment in understanding male sexuality.

So my world of whores ended their headstand and got back on their feet: Prostitution does not free the man, it does him no good, it does not make him happy. Rather, the brothel was an opportunity to learn to see the wounds of male sexuality. Under my hands, between my lips and in my vagina you could feel how bad men are sexually.

No, Paula wasn't that blessed wellness angel that she thought she was. Rather, the extensive, massive character of male sexuality became clear in her work, and it almost seemed as if prostitution would not redeem this fact, but would only drive men deeper into their prison.

However, if one day we get to know sex where we breathe deeply, deeply, sound and moan and cheer and snort, however we want, when we experience this freedom one day, then we will know that it means a world of difference whether we are mute or open during sex. Only then will we know how deeply a sexuality is curtailed if one breaks the voice out of it. (And don't disagree with me until after you've tried it!)

If you want to try it: During sex, breathe deeply into your lower abdomen continuously and without pauses - yes, even during orgasm. Relax all of the muscles in your body, especially the throat and jaw, and make a sound with each exhale. This may seem difficult or impossible at first, but practice will make it easier and transform the way you experience sex!


This article is a chapter from the book “Dear and Dear”. Ilan Stephani, born in Berlin in 1986, is now a body therapist and author. She leads seminars for women and blogs about sexuality and freedom.Theresa Bäuerlein supported her in writing her book. It was published by Ecowin in October 2017.