Should I be ashamed of my life

I am ashamed of my partner - why?

Socks in sandals while strolling on the beach promenade, hysterical fits in a restaurant or cockel posturing in the presence of friends. There are many reasons to be ashamed of your partner. Why is that?

He really turns up on the dance floor and shakes everything he has - of course without any tact. When she happens to meet her friends in the pedestrian zone, she starts screeching and cackling like crazy - unmistakable for everyone else. There are moments when you are just ashamed of your partner.

You don't conform to my norms

What is embarrassing to us - or not - we are taught as a child. We grow up under certain norms and values ​​and try to adhere to them. These behavior patterns shape us so permanently that we find it difficult or even impossible to get rid of them in adulthood. We notice this especially when a friend or relative violates our acquired norms and values: We are ashamed of them.

Why are we embarrassed when our loved one dances without tact at the wedding party, but at home in the living room we find his courtship dance totally cute and even join the uncoordinated fidgeting?

What is embarrassing to women and men?

To be ashamed of your partner's fidgeting is typically feminine: Women are often upset about their partner's behavior - but men are ashamed of their partner's appearance. However, both are embarrassed to argue. However, all these points only bother you when they happen in public - the argument or the dirty baggy pants are often accepted within your own four walls.

Scientists at the University of Marburg have taken a closer look at why we differentiate so between the situations: They assume that many are ashamed of their partner because they fear for their own reputation: If a group member behaves in public - our imagination after - besides, that could fall back on us and damage our reputation. Therefore, we are more ashamed of ourselves in the situation than when the same thing happens at home. We are simply afraid of being devalued and excluded from society. Like, "Isn't she smart enough to correct her boyfriend's inappropriate remarks?" or "Doesn't he have the courage to tell his girlfriend that you can see her white panties through the thin leggings?"

Women is more embarrassing

However, we are not always ashamed of other people's faux pas. We can only be embarrassed when we can identify with our counterpart and feel empathy for them. This is also confirmed by the Marburg scientists. And because women often have more empathy than men, they are also more ashamed of strangers, it goes on to say.

If our counterpart were not so close to us, we would not be embarrassed about him and his behavior. Instead, malicious joy would arise. It is easy to distinguish schadenfreude from shame of others when the price tag is still on someone's pants. We smile at strangers, we are embarrassed at friends.

In both cases, we shouldn't just think about our fun or our standing, but about the person concerned. Because maybe he doesn't know and would like someone to spare him this embarrassment.


Jennifer Buchholz, Editor at t-online.de, writes in her column "Lust, Vice, Love" about love, partnership and sex.